After a stressful week last week, understandably Laura is still finding things difficult.
I started week 9 still on holiday. I’ve been far more active, as on a caravan park the swimming pool and entertainment center are about 10 minutes each way, and it's hilly which was a shock to my thighs haha! Eating is still difficult as I’m still pretty stressed, so I'm not concentrating and rushing.
We went for a day out and had a Cornish pastie for lunch but after two mouthfuls (we were walking and talking, and I clearly wasn’t chewing well enough), a lump of lamb got lodged. I tried to wait for it to pass but I got really frothy and the more I tried to swallow, the more thick saliva built up. I had to throw it all up in the bag which was pretty gross.
The next day day we went for a meal and I chose a chicken and rice and salad. The portion was far too big, but I set a small portion out on the plate so I was aware of what I was eating. I didn’t feel forced to eat more than I could. It was going well until again I swallowed a piece of chicken without fully chewing as I was talking. I was watching others eat so I was matching their eating pattern rather than my own. I had to get up and go to the toilet to spit up the thick saliva. I was so cross with my self for doing this two days in a row! I know my band isn’t tight, as if I chew properly or softer foods my portion size can be large! We arrived home Friday and I went to see my Grandad in the chapel of rest and reality suddenly hit hard from a nice week away.
I didn’t eat too much as I still feel I’m stressed/tense. I’m not all that hungry and I’m rushing when I really need to sort my planner out and start to take care of myself. Grief is so strange. I’m trying my hardest to be strong for everyone else, that I’m not really releasing anything but stomach says otherwise. It’s so tense it is uncomfortable to eat. Hoping week 10 is easier.